Align with your True Self through inner and outer adventures with The Global Yogi
Painting above: ‘Floating’ 2018.
Have you ever felt invisible?
Unseen. You can be in a room with people, or these days, a Zoom with people, and you are there, participating, but you feel unseen and unheard? You may even speak and nobody hears you. You may ask someone a question and they don’t respond.
This happened to me recently. It’s painful. But why?
For some people, this might just wash off their back like water on a lotus leaf. But for someone else, this stings like a knife in the heart.
It stings because it resonates with some old belief that you ‘don’t matter’. That you are ‘not important’. That people ‘don’t care’. It’s a belief that’s lodged deep inside your subconscious like a tic that has become a part of you. You don’t actually know that it’s a foreign object that’s sucking the life out of you.
What to do?
I speak to myself and and hear myself.
I see myself, I acknowledge myself, I see the pain in this experience.
Then I invite the different parts of myself, which have wisdom for me, and answers – to come to discuss this situation. I call in the child me’s, the current me’s and the incoming – me’s, the versions of me which are wiser and stronger and who have understood this invisibility question. I ask them what the terrain looks like ahead and how to navigate it. I ask for the map.
Inspired by Havi Brook’s Monday Meetings, I gather together my different selves in a meeting and take a role call.
Bad Ass Yogini Warrior – the one who is strong and in her own energy and present and practices every morning like her life depends on it (for her, her wellbeing does depend on it) – ‘Present’, she calls out clearly, from upside down over the other side of the room in a head stand.
Incoming High Priestess of Love – the one who practices Radical Self Love at all times and is on the watch for any people pleasing behaviours which she will put a stop to immediately. She is 100% aware of her fully glowing and worthy YES to herself and will not put up with even the tiniest disrespect from a potential suitor, and never feels invisible, because, well, she is a Priestess.
Incoming Devoted Instrument Maker, Musician and Weaver of Tunes – the one who lives out her musical dreams – ‘Sono qui’ – she is having an Italian moment, while devising a new song on her Cocotrell, a new instrument she has just fashioned from a coconut and a conch shell.
World Traveller and Expert Trail Maker – the journey planner and the traveller – ‘Affirmative!’ she says while checking some compass points in an upcoming journey that she is memorising because; we now navigate the ground terrain through mind maps not google maps – she likes a challenge.
Inner Gleeful Child – The cheeky one who, at about seven years old, when around the the neighbours’ house to tell them, wide-eyed and excited, ‘I just saw five white rabbits, dancing in a ring in the garden’ because she was going through a reality bending experiment (she didn’t see it as outright lying), where she felt she was a magician testing out her superpowers by seeing if she was able to convince members of the adult world that a myriad of fantastical things were going on right under their very noses. ‘Present’! she giggles.
Inner Lonely Child – the one who is in her bedroom all weekend reading the ‘Lord of the Rings’ and feeling very smart and talented to be reading such a thick book (nearly 1000 pages – the thickest so far, she notes in her diary) but not understanding that the coldness she feels in the centre of her chest is loneliness and that she could possibly reach out for comfort to someone in the world rather that Bilbo Baggins from Hobbiton. She looks up from her book after some prompting and with a roll of the eyes says, ‘Yess, I am here’.
I speak to them all. Welcome. Today our meeting agenda is the following:
- What is this feeling of being invisible? Who is feeling invisible? Is it real? How do we navigate it? How do we re-frame it, how do we see it through a new lens?
Let’s start with Inner Gleeful Child what do you have to say on this theme?
Well, she says, laughing impishly – are you acshully invisible? You can become invisible when you need to be? Cool! (She is jumping around and bubbling with laughter.)
She stops for a minute and says – that sounds just like the magic show – ‘Here Today, Gone Tomorrow’ I was acshully planning for this evening! Now – wait one moment, I must get my wand and my black and silver cape and I will perform it for you – with my brother, Captain Commander Sergeant of Splendour, and myself, the Witch of the Western Wishing Well. Remember it is a rehearsal so it is not quite ready yet. No laughing!
OK – thank you. I definitely won’t laugh. Magic is serious business. Thanks my dearest Inner Gleeful Child.
The power and magic of being able to disappear. How can we transform and transmute this sad feeling that comes when you feel invisible and see it as instead that you have vanished yourself! You have magically dissapeared. Because, well, why not?! It keeps people on their toes does it not?
What about you, Incoming High Priestess of Radical Self Love? What do you think?
Well, she says, taking a big draw on a hookah pipe which sitting on top of a mushroom a la the caterpillar in that old story The Chalice of Sunderland, with her long pink hair twirled expertly into a gorgeous luxuriant bouffant on top of her head.
I believe that you need to ask yourself the question: do I really, really want to be seen? And then – Why? What for? What is it that I want people to see in me? Is there something in me that I am not seeing? Am I fully seeing myself in all of my kaleidoscope of riches, all of my beauty, all of my aliveness, all of my gifts, as well as all of my pains, all of my losses, all of my sufferings, all of the patterns I am currently working on alchemising… ?
OK, thank you Priestess. Interesting. What am I not seeing in myself..?
Yes, what you are not seeing in yourself and what parts of yourself you are not allowing to be seen by others… and perhaps you can create a magical ritual. A rich-you-well. A place where you feel seen, well and rich! A time and a space to really see yourself. To really feel yourself. This could be with a mirror, just taking time to be with yourself and appreciate yourself. Or it could be in a lake, or in the sea, or at a temple. You could bring some incense, and some flowers, and make an offering for yourself, for the sloughing off of masks, for the letting go of personas that are not helping you on the path of shining and glowing and glittering you full Chell-icious self.
Ah. I am breathing that in as I watch the High Priestess of Radical Self Love blow a smoke ring at me of apple tobacco, while making a perfect O shape with her luscious dark mauve lipsticked lips. She smiles at me and then clicks her fingers a few times.
Remember Jeannie from I dream of Jeannie, she asks?
You mean the magical genie Goddess of suburban America who could appear and disappear at the snap of her fingers not to mention time travel and make whatever she wanted happen whenever she wanted?
Yes – Her! She says.
Well, she was a master of appearing and disappearing in just the right time and place to deliver just the right message to just the right person. You also have this power within you. It’s a question of switching it on. You decide when to be seen and when not.
Ah. I decide.
Yes, you decide!
OK. I get it. I take ownership of my appearance and disappearances…! I am the sovereign genie of my visibility and invisibility.
Yes! She smiles, and slips right off the mushroom in her blowy full length pale pink and silver ball gown.
And now, my love, I must disappear I am afraid because I have another appointment. With my lawyer and certain Caterpillar who claims this mushroom is his and only his to spend his days on. The wretch – how dare he – mushrooms are for all of us to enjoy! I will say Sayonara and Arigato Gozaimus!
She waves her fingers full of sparkling crystal rings at me, and then wiggles her nose and clicks her fingers, and vanishes.
I then call on the Devoted Musician and Weaver of Tunes. What have you to say around the theme of invisibility?
She says: I would rather sing you my contribution if that’s OK?
Today I felt invisible It is in-admissable I must make a better song so that I can impress the gathering throng and they will see finally that I I am a Queen of Dance and Song And then perhaps I will give myself the permissible to dance and sing the whole day long
Aha. OK. Thank you. You are looking for permission. Interesting.
Why do you you think you need permission to sing and dance? Do you really think your song is not good enough?
The Devoted Musician and Weaver of Tunes looks down at her Cocotrell sadly and says ‘Well, remember that time when you were about 12 and you auditioned for the Canberra School of Music on flute and they did not let you in?’
Yes, I say. I remember.
Remember how terribly sad you were?
Yes, I say, I do remember.
Well, from this experience, you created the belief that you were not quite good enough to be the great musician you desired to be, and so you stopped giving yourself full permission to follow this dream.
OK. What has that to do with inivisibility?
It’s more to do with permission. Permiss-ability. With allowing all of yourself to be and to fully do your thing regardless of who is judging or not judging you.
She looks at me for a long time with big wide green eyes while strumming the Cocotrell, and smiles as it slowly start emitting the most incredible and soothing frequencies.
And then she starts to sing: ‘Everything is possible, when you have permissible, from you yourself is the only one that matt—ers’
She is beautiful when she sings because she is fully in her own being, occupying her own space. She stops and looks at me with glowing bright eyes and I give her a huge hug that melts both our hearts.
Thank you, Devoted. She bows in Namaste to me.
Inner Lonely Child. What do you have to say.
Well, ahhhhmmm. Actually I like to be invisible sometimes because I think it keeps me safe.
Safe from what my dear?
From any particular people?
From the mean ones. She looks downward and twiddles her fingers.
So you think its better to be invisible than to be hurt, yes?
Yes, some people are dangerous, so I prefer to be invisible for them. For them I am invisible but for others I can be visible. If they know the magic word.
Yes! And that is?
I can’t tell you. Those who know it know it. Those who don’t, don’t. That’s how we tell the good ones from the dangerous.
Thank you, my love.
You give her a big long hug. She looks at me with a brilliant smile. She feels my love. She feels seen and heard and appreciated. I tell her that she can go back to her book.
Yes! She gives me a kiss on the cheek and whispers: Thank you for listening to me – I love youuuuu!!! and then with clap of hands she is back in Hobbiton with Bilbo Baggins.
A thousand rainbows open up inside me for me and for my child self. I award myself a million shining stars for being able to make contact with her.
World Traveller and Expert Trail Maker, what do you have to say on this theme?
Well, I would say that the map is not the territory.
OK. Can you elaborate?
Yes, the map is not the territory. The territory you are navigating is a deep maze inside of you of ifs and buts and whys and wherefores. You could see it like a tangle of vines climbing up around an ancient tree – slowly they all grow and twirl and swirl together and by climbing through them all you might reach the top of the tree, but it will take you a long time. But there is another way.
You can choose to climb a different tree. You can consult your inner map and pinpoint this tree as the tree of invisibility, and make a detour around it, which will take you to another tree, with branches easy to see and closer to the ground, free from vines. This is the tree of possibility. You can climb that one instead. From its highest branches, where you arrive smoothly and easily, you can see for at least one hundred kilometres in every direction. You see all the directions that you can go, clearly. You see all the people around and what they are doing. They can see you if they look. But most people are not looking up, they look down, at the road in front of them.
From this tree you see all the different possibilities that lie waiting for you when you take ownership of your own visibility. When you fully see the beauty and the wonder within yourself.
Ah, breath out. When I fully see myself. From out of nowhere a thousand voiced chorus just chimes in and repeats that phrase in harmony.
Thank you, World Traveller and Expert Train Maker! She gives me a hug and drops a map in my lap that looks like a forest. I see some big red circles around a few particularly prominent trees.
That will help you if you ever get lost, she says with a smile, as she gets back to the itinerary she is working on.
Bad Ass Yogini Warrior, what about you? How do you understand this theme of invisibility?
She comes out from the headstand slowly and settles herself in her meditation position in front of me with her little fingers and thumb touching in the Buddhi mudra, one that helps understand intuitive messages from the subconscious.
Which is the Chakra that corresponds to the statement I See? She asks.
Well, that is the Ajna Chakra, the third eye.
What else does this govern? She looks at me calmly.
It is all about intuition and wisdom. A knowing that comes from beyond the self. It’s the third eye. Or, the third I. An ‘I’ beyond my egoic self-protecting, and self-cherishing ‘I’.
So what does this third I see within you when you feel unseen? What does your intuition tell you about this experience?
My intuition tells me that this feeling is not from now. It’s from the past. But it’s still present in me.
And what happens, when you notice that it’s there?
I feel extremely frightened. Almost terrified.
Why do you think?
Perhaps because I feel that if I am unseen, invisible, then I won’t be taken care of. I will be lost, left out in the cold.
Yes, she says. Maybe this is why it feels still so painful when people don’t see or understand you now. When actually we both know that this is happening all the time. It is the human drama. We all want to be heard, seen, felt and understood, but we don’t always get it. We sometimes do, we sometimes don’t. Sometimes we connect, sometimes we don’t, some people love us, others don’t. We love some people, others leave us cold.
That’s the game, she says with a wink and a shrug of the shoulders.
So, we play the game, but we know it’s a game. It’s got a beginning, a middle and an end. It’s like snakes and ladders, sometimes you feel your are progressing, and then other times you feel like you are sliding backwards. But you are always learning. It’s OK. Just keep playing. And let the little girl know that it’s OK, that if someone doesn’t see her you are still there for her, loving her and seeing her and cheering her on.
Handing me a package lightly wrapped in glittering golden tissue paper, she says, ‘I give you this – it’s a rainbow coloured cloak with the secret insignia on the inner lapel.’
I slowly open the package and get out a gorgeous rainbow coloured silk cloak lined with blue velvet.
You see it?, by Bad-Ass Yogini asks.
I look on the lapel and I see embroidered in gold thread, that contrasts beautifully with the blue velvet background.
‘I SEE YOU. I LOVE YOU. I HEAR YOU. I FEEL YOU.‘
So, she continues, whenever you are suffering from this invisibility curse, wrap yourself in this cloak and go out walking. Tell all of the flowers you meet: I see you, I love you, I feel you, I hear you. Say the same to the birds, to the dogs and to the cats. Look in the eyes of the people and whisper it also. And of course say it to yourself.
Thank you, Yogini Warrior.
She smiles brightly and comes and gives me a warm hug that lasts for a long time. I feel her. And then I sit next to her in the circle of selves.
Meeting closed. Thank you all for attending. Same time next week?
They are all sitting in circle around me and they nod sagely. There is a warmth and love in the air. Every self has been heard and seen with compassion and love. Every self has contributed their truth. Every self feels connected as a result. And I feel whole and integrated, grateful for all of this incredible intel from all of my selves. I am living this invisibility question in a new way.
I end the meeting in a meditation session. I give thanks and love to my inner witch and magician, to my inner devoted musician and song maker, to my inner warrior yogi, to my incoming high priestess of radical self love, to my beloved inner children.
I give thanks to all the possibilities which are all ahead of me thanks to the sweetness of my cast of inner characters, the past, current and incoming me’s. I choose to drink each day the hi-vibe hi protein potion of permissability – which then in turn leads to possibilities and perhaps even to new abilities and realities which I haven’t imagined?
A thousand million more rainbows are glowing all around me and a trillion stars suddenly bloom in the sky and I am blessed.